that i can’t be happy for an extended amount of time?
not even counting that there was always something wrong
but when theres not as much going to shit as normal
you count it as good luck
is it me
who can call 20 people in a row
and they all dont pick up
or have excuses
even plans i made
plans i tried to improve
got completely fucked over and cancelled
i feel so alone
but not even alone
not worth peoples time
or the effort it takes
to fucking drive 10 min
and when people hurt me
enough to piss me off
but not enough to be unforgiveable
like ignoring me
most of the fucking time
or when they fucking lead me on and then
act like we are kinda friends maybe
i cant just say
“they’re not worth it”
because i would have absolutely
this is why my tag is
-Forget me by morning
“can’t help unless you want me too. i know how much you need me but i can’t break down your fortress. but what can i even do? i can sit. and hug you. and listen to you. you’re making me an enemy and i cant argue you out of being irrational. but then again, who is actually having these thoughts? im not thinking. at all. its a little too much right now. im going to push. and make it out eventually. but im not so sure you will. “
his mom is dying
and wont let him know
he is spiralling
this is why i deleted the number
watch this again
a person should not be so selfish
that their dying mother
has to sneak into the house
to steal an illegal gun from him
what I actually am going to post as my status?
“i miss who you used to be”
It’s fun to talk a big game
But when it comes down to it
I can’t do shit about guys
The way I am
They have to like me
For me to pursue
I find it hard to get a guys attention
But then again
They normally get mine
Or do they?
I haven’t dated anyone in months
My longest relationship has been 2
I guess I really just have no game
If I see a guy on another girl
There is really no way I can try for that if I think there’s something else going on
I don’t compete
Maybe once did I even know someone else liked a guy that I was about to date
Never has it been a blatant
In my face
Happening right now
Competition for affection
I could not compete
It wasn’t that I thought I couldn’t win
Because it was just a boy to play with, not even a guy to be attached too
But I didn’t want to
That was my friend on his lap
I honor the code of dibs
And even though I am apparently quite attractive
I do get hit on alot
And am told by my girlfriends
That I could have any guy I want
I didn’t want to seduce a guy away from my friend
Even when it kind of hurt to see her having the night I was hoping for
She didn’t even care much
But she called dibs
And like I said
It was a boy to play with, not go out with
But he was adorable
And if I had thought she was going to try
I probably should have called dibs
When I told her I was excited to see him
But that was Danny
Adorable, little manwhore Danny
But then Matan?
What the hell do I even think of him
I keep thinking he will fall for me soon
I wasn’t pursuing but I got the feeling he might try
And I suppose
I expected it
And every time I see him
I get a hug
No particular extra effort at conversation
Another girl seems to be very comfortable with him
And I wonder
Am I jealous?
I would not mind cuddling I suppose
Because I thought he was an ass who would fall for me
And now I realize he’s kind of a sweetheart
But I’m pretty sure I’m not falling for him
I’m pretty sure I’m just surprised he still hasn’t made a move on me
If he is an intelligent asshole, however
It could be in his plan
Reminds me of how I miss Or
And the what could have been fills my head and heart
And I hurt more
He hasn’t texted or called in days
Even after I sent him a few anxiety-filled emails about how depressed I am
Jesse didn’t even text me back
I got stood up
I went to his house and everything
Waiting for him to come to the door
Cole is ignoring me more and more
I feel like I shouldn’t talk to him at all but it’s hard
I hate how people change
Mostly their nicer when your still a stranger
When it’s new
When they think they know everything
Or just want to be an asshole
They take away the friendship you cultivated
And replace it with one word text messages or “I was busy”
So in conclusion
I hope the entire world hasn’t turned into douchebags
Because there’s going to be a lot more blog entries
And nights where you cry yourself to sleep
cry myself to sleep
even if im not sure i REALLY love Or
which i think i do
I’m pretty sure he’s changed what a guy should be
in my perspective
And now I had a perfectly nice guy
Great to talk to, although not “hott” persay and slightly awkward (but so am I)
And I wasn’t feeling it
He could be an awesome guy
But I don’t think he’s interesting enough
It takes a lot for a guy to hold my interest now
And now that I officially told Mr. Nice Guy we can just be friends
I start thinking about Or
After listening to some sad songs I’m in a funk and don’t wanna go to class
I’m over a half hour late anyway
I might make my second class but I feel like curling up in a ball and sleeping
I kinda don’t wanna meet up with Chace now either
You know what I’ve been thinking about?
A song by the Gabe Dixon Band called “And the World Turned”
Yea, no class today
Well in the song a girl is missing a boy who appears to have died
She thinks about drowning herself in the river to join him
Instead she throws a heart-shaped locket in the river, that had his picture in it
And she dreams of him that night
He asked her to come back to the river
but she didn’t
I was in Canada on a school trip after I said my goodbyes to Or.
I saw these pretty lockets
And they reminded me of him for some reason
I bought one with a turtle on it
There’s no picture inside
But I know what it’s for
And it makes me very sad
I think I will sleep now
I guess just cause you don’t think about it for awhile
Doesn’t mean your over it
Forget me by morning
I love Or.
In a magical fairy tale way that will always hurt in the end.
I love Drew.
I want him to be happy, and he has a good enough head for that.
I love Cole.
But he infuriates me. And I don’t trust him.
Or is this all just affection?
I feel it for Jesse, Nick, Chace, others.
In varying amounts.
Jesse is the only one I can turn to with anything.
But we don’t feel each other? As we think people going out should.
All this love just ends up in all this heartbreak.
Or is across the world and after working 4 years at a shitty job I can’t afford to go see him.
I have almost lost hope with him.
Probably I just keep it i the back of my mind, it might happen, years from now, if we still feel the same, if it grows stronger.
But I am afraid to fly to a strange country alone, where the only person I will know is him.
So many people already let me down every day.
All it would take to completely fuck me up would be him not showing up at the airport.
I texted Cole I loved him and happy birthday.
He texted back W.e.
I’m so tempted to call it quits with him. I can never be serious about anything around him and the second I actually stand up for myself he’s a pissed off priss.
I guess I just have to remember to not trust him or talk to him when I’m strung out.
Which is so much more often.
I was a little calmer today after we hung out the first time.
Was it a contact high or just unwinding?
He has his own life.
And as much as I want to be there for him I won’t if he’s going to continue to hurt me.
Biggest words I hate in arguments:
When I argue with someone I try to show them they are wrong or stop them from making me more manic.
I don’t try to hurt people or dismiss their feelings.
But I can’t expect that from everyone.
Why is it so cold in my room?
No caffeine hasn’t helped.
I’ve been more strung out, less sleep I suppose.
I want something to calm me down.
Natural shit doesn’t work with this workload.
That’s another thought thats run through my head alot.
Because I had so much trouble with this and I had alot of symptoms I assumed I was crazy.
Depression. Anxiety disorder. Social Phobia. Bipolar.
I would rather not.
But what if I’m normal?
What if I’m blowing this problem up until it seems like one.
What if I suffer the same as everyone else?
Why the hell should I make exceptions for myself and take special liberties.
Sure I feel like a bat out of hell and like tears could happen at any time.
But does everyone?
It’s so cold in my room.
I’m pretty sure it’s the weathers fault. Maybe it’s an inevitable swing.
But for days now thinking of something…or someone….that makes me sad will instantly put me on the verge of tears. I can keep them at bay most of the time.
Not at night though, when all I have left is my thoughts.
So it’s not bad.
But I shouldn’t be able to cry on command like that. Granted it’s a skill in some ways but not in this way, it’s just a loss of control.
In religion yesterday we talked about female circumcision.
I had a panic attack.
I was about to faint I’m pretty sure, there was a high pitched ringing in my ears, and I was shaking, hot, I started sweating, I thought I would throw up.
It was one of the worst I have had, but this one actually had something to set it off. It was probably built up, but the straw that broke the back was more like a brick.
I was still shaking when I thought about it hours later, and had to leave class for almost an hour.
I can’t think about people.
It’s not just Or or Calvin anymore.
Although I keep thinking of them without trying to.
It’s Nick, and Frisch, and Cole, and little things.
One of the things my online test told me I possibly had was a social phobia.
Along with depression and bipolar disorder.
Social phobia would make sense, and I will probably rationalize all my little stresses about people with that now.
It doesn’t mean I can’t be social, I don’t think, besides that wouldn’t make sense I know I have friends.
But especially with people I don’t know as well, or that I wish I could know/have known them more, I feel it.
I think I’ll cut back even more on the caffeine, the 9 and 10 hours wasn’t a night still had me strung out but maybe going back to 6 or 7 helped this swing increase.
I think I’ll make myself some tea now, I can feel my shoulders tense from words I wrote moments ago.
I feel helpless against it being there, but I’m sure if I work on it I can control how bad it affects me.
I feel like crying now.
I wish I knew why.
Forget me by Morning
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